Summercamp

"Mooooom, where's my swimming trunks"
"Mooooom, can you buy me some new slippers"
"Mooooom, where are my pants"
"Mooooom, do we have sunblock"

Joyce was visiting me yesterday, always a good time to be away from the kids a bit. Not so with summercamp right around the corner. For the umpteenth time Chris was on the phone, nervous as hell, trying to make sure everything was packed for the summercamp. Today he leaves for three whole days of fun in the sun. For the first time ever he seems to be looking forward to it.

Chris was always the little boy the other kids love to hate. He's been bullied for most his life, by both his father and the kids at school and it's left him with low self-esteem. He's covering his fears by a big mouth and trying to bully others around, in particular his mom, but it's not hard to see the little boy struggling underneath that.

Three days of summercamp in a special ed class, I don't envy the teacher. Chris is in a class with about 12 other girls and boys who have special needs. Some have ADHD like himself, but there's autism and behavioral issues as well. For the first time though, Chris seems to fit in.

I hope he has fun at Summercamp, he's sure looking forward to it, even through his nerves. Joyce went home late last night to be there for him, see him off, make sure he's got enough pants :-)

Confrontation

Children confront you with your own stuff. All parents know this and as a new stepparent I'm starting to realize how true this is.

Chris is a lively boy with an ADHD diagnosis and an indomitable will. He's alsot 13 and is practising his clout in the world. One of the ways he does this is by incessant battles of will with his mom. Also his battles are always physical, barring her way to the kitchen, taking any object and keeping it away from her, endlessly and all the time.

Joyce calls it "puppy behavior". She sais: "Every day, sometimes more than once, he has to prove to me that he's stronger than me. It's playing, it's learning his strength, trying his wings." She has endless patience with him that way and sais it's all going to go away when he get's a little older. Then he's going to start protecting his mom, just like his older brothers do. I can't wait!

What's interesting is my reaction to it all. I'm totally impatient and intolerant of this type of behavior. When I want to go to the store I don't want a 13 year old blocking my way (or Joyces). I want to do my thing and not be bothered by his endless puppy behavior. And when I tell him to stop I want him to stop, this instant!
Well, Chris isn't going to change his behavior towards his mom just because I'm around and she tolerates it, even enjoys it.

I'm learning to just go away, leave the room or even the house when they are roughhousing around like that. I always get very emotional, very angry and charged. Afterwards I cry and the penny drops: too much like the way it was in my family. The constant threat of physical violence too much for me to handle. It's not my place to to force Chris to be other than he is, that would be more of the same stuff that was done unto me. I don't want that, not for him nor for me. In those moments it's difficult for me to see a little kid trying out his strength, I see a situation that is potentially explosive and it frightens me. My personal reality from growing up in a violent home.

So I'm confronted with my own childhood... I'm learning what parents seem to know intuitively: Stepchildren are your mirror, they'll show you what's what in your life.

For the sake of the children: Divorce!

A recent study at Cornell University in New York shows that if the parents argue all the time, the children suffer. If the parents are staying together for the sake of the children, it would generally be better if they divorced. Kelly Musick studied 2000 families to determine the influence of fighting parents on the children. The results were shocking: staying together for the children is worse for them than divorcing, provided the post divorce situation is stable.

Children from high-conflict families are more likely to develop psychological problems, use drugs and have behavioral problems. Their schoolwork suffers and they are more likely to develop a drinking problem.
The problem persist well into adulthood when the adult children of fighting parents can develop selfdestructive tendencies and have a difficult time forming relationships. Musick: "I suspect that children who come from such unhappy families have never felt the warmth and security they so desperately need".

A similar study recenly done in the Netherlands shows that only 1 in 6 children of divorced families get into trouble. It showed that if the parents fight a lot, or run into financial difficulty as a result of the divorce, this is very detrimental to the childs development. It appears that it's not the divorce is the cause of their problems, but the hostile atmosphere between their parents.

A quick look around the internet shows that "the effects of divorce on children" are very well documented. There are many sites available to help the children who's parents are divorcing. It now seems though that coping with parents who stay together for the sake of the child might be a more daunting task for the youngsters involved.

I believe it's time to look at divorce rationally, instead of through the panicky eyes of failure and disaster. Roughly 40 out of a hundred marriages end in divorce, divorce is a reality and a common one at that. About 16 percent of all children of divorce experience difficulty dealing with divorce, often because of their parents inability to accept and settle into a new routine. Instead they continue the bickering long after the partnership has ended. Remember the Cornell results: Parents arguing all the time is more detrimental to the childs welfare than divorce.

How many of the 60% of marriages that last are in fact a child's hell? Staying together for the children has been demasked as the fallacy it is. If you're in a situation like that, argueing all the time, domestic violence (22% incidence) or downright abusive (10% incidence) don't let the children be the reason to stay put. For the sake of the children, divorce!

sources: cornell university study

Proud moments in a (step)parent's life

Absense makes the heart grow fonder
Being able to get away, go to my own little apartment, when I need some peace and quiet is a vital ingredient of my love for my stepchildren. However, there are times when I'm over in my own apartment that I wish I could be there, if only for a few minutes.

Yesterday Eric graduated highschool. He's an intelligent young man who didn't have to work all that hard to make the grade. At the time of the divorce though, Eric chose to live with his father. Part pity, part keen self interest, he figured he could remain in both parent's good graces by living with his father. He was not mistaken in assuming that if he moved with his mom he wouldn't see hide nor hair of his father for a long time. In retrospect I think he would have prefered it that way... we all make mistakes.

His father expects his teenage son to be home by eleven, even on the weekends, do most of the housework and well, be as obedient as a 10 year old. The attraction of living there did not lie in the times when his father was at home. The real reason living there was fun lay in the frequent trips abroad his father did. At fifteen he took a holiday from school every time his father left town. His house was party central in those days, his father none the wiser and his mom not in the know. His father had left explicit instructions that in no way should his mom find out that he was home alone. The only time he ever let her know was when he had a concussion and didn't know what to do about it. As a result he missed most of his third and fourth year of highschool and come the time to be promoted to the senior year he failed miserably. His mentor from school had been given explicit instructions that all contact about his grades be with his mother, not his father, but somehow this was overlooked and his father was informed.

With bruises on his soul he came to his mom's house that night fuming about the way his father had ripped him apart. It's hard to see a seventeen year old struggle to contain his tears, his fury and his utter despair. Eric tried to live at his father's house for three more months after that, but in reality he was allready living at his mom's, making sketchy appearances at his father's in hopes that his father would make good on his promise to pay for his drivers licence.

Proud moments
And today, thanks to a loving mother for support and guidance and superb effort on his part, essentially doing two years of highschool at once, Eric got his highschool diploma. This is one of those times when I wish I was there to celebrate it with them. He's got great plans to travel the world, become a food vendor at all kinds of festivals. He's a young man at the threshold of all life has to offer. I'm such a proud stepmommy.

Apology accepted

Allright, after a good cry in the arms of Joyce I realized more than ever that the pain at that remark is really not from here and now. It's about feeling and being at home in this life, this world, this home. My pain, old stuff from growing up with a violent father and my mother the queen of denial... nothing to do with Chris.

I apologized to Chris, I'm not a vindictive type of person and a peace of sorts was once again established. After my apology he accepted a drink from me and said thank you. That's unusually civil behavior from Chris, at least towards me. So we're okay again... onwards and upwards!

When are you going to get divorced?

As a step mom I have a difficult time with Chris. We seem to rub each other the wrong way, more often than not. I like to have my own space, a tidy little niche where I have my stuff whenever I am here. I live here part-time and I'm finding out that I am pretty set in my ways. This doesn't always go over very well with Chris.

He goes out of his way to make me feel unwelcome sometimes, which I can understand from the mixed up mess of loyalties that children of divorce feel when confronted with their mom's new partner. But that's the theory: In practice it get's a old pretty fast.

Yesterday Chris asked Joyce and me: "When are you going to get divorced?" We're not married but the message was clear. Our answer was very telling as well: "When we get sick and tired of being together". As far as I can see that's not likely to happen, allthough I do keep that option open because I've made and broken the promise of "forever" once allready, I'm not one for making the same mistake over and over. Chris is a bright kid who can read between the lines and between the lines it read loud and clear that Joyce left her exhusband because she got sick and tired of being with him.

Today we had a run in with each other. He had eaten my bag of potato chips and I told him he'd owe me a new one. I neglected to put this in a nice tone of voice, say please and thank you. I guess I'd call my tone "accusatory". I'm not always patient, so sue me. Anyway, he got pissed off at me for my tone of voice and rightfully so. But that's not what he said, instead he told one of his friends that I don't live here. He got in under my radar with that one. That hurt.

I guess I should be adult about it and apologize for my tone of voice and reiterate that he owes me a bag of chips. Or maybe just apologize. I'm glad he's gone to play soccer with his friends, I'm not ready to apologize. I'm just a little to ticked off for that.

Father's day

Father's day is coming up, my first one as a stepmom. I lost my father early, he died when I was fourteen. I never had much of a relationship with him, he was big and strong and largely absent from the home. He used to hit my teenage sisters and brothers to the extend that it scared the bejeebees out of me, causing me to be a very well behaved child. I always thought other families had it better when I was a kid. I guess there might be some families where the father is a real DAD, you know, involved with the children, available to them, loving, kind... all that good stuff.

Deadbeat dad
Of the four boys only Chris still frequently visit's his father. The others have each for their own reasons abandoned the guy. Joseph is stoned most of the time on "Party Island Ibiza". I doubt if he even knows it's father's day. Eric hates his father's guts, with some pretty good reasoning behind it. He litterally said: "When I was 12 I concluded that my dad was wrong about most things, in particular the things he said about me. From then on I monitored him closely and I have come to the conclusion that he's a worthless sack of shit." Some of the things I've witnessed in the past year have led me to believe that he may have a point.

One of those times was when Dennis was in the hospital, looking like he was going to die. He'd been beat to a pulp by three adults. Seven witnesses testified in court that, out of nowhere, these three guys jumped out of their car, pulled Dennis off his bike an hit him. He went down after the second fist and they kicked him several times where he lay. He might have died on the spot if it hadn't been for the police who just happened to drive by at that very moment. He was unconcious when they put him in the ambulance and didn't wake up till sometime the next morning to his mom sitting by his side. Joyce had texted his father, who responded by sending his son a text: "I'm with my girlfriend, can't come right now. You're in my thoughts".

At Joyce's house Father's day will pass by largely unnoticed. A father is the most important man in a child's life. Having one that doesn't care, doesn't show love and affection, doesn't pay his child support is painful. Teenage boys are set the task of discovering for themselves what it means to be a man. It makes me feel sad that their example in this isn't very inspiring.

I thought parents were naturally more patient with their own kids

"I thought parents were naturally more patient with their own kids"

Joyce met my mom for the first time yesterday and she was very surprised. She had noticed that I was sometimes a little less patient than her when dealing with her kids, esspecially Chris. She had interpreted that as being part and parcel of being a stepmom, rather than a mom. However since meeting my mom she's had to re-evaluate that point of view.

My mom gives you the impression that you're perpetually late. We slept till 9.30 and she called from downstairs for us to come down. That edge of irritation in her voice, I'll tell you, I've learned to ignore it, but it's always there. Whenever things don't measure up she get's impatient. From there it's a small step to breaking dishes. Not that she's throw them about or anything, just her irritation is in all her actions, including putting the dishes in the sink: a familiar sound in my childhood home, cups crashing into hot water, frequently breaking them of course.

Awareness is the first prerequisite for change
Some of this impatience has carried over into my life. I don't often show it, but towards Chris I can be all huffing and puffing like my mom tends to be. Good awareness: perhaps now I can change this. It's not the way I want to be at all...

Lesson #1: Letting go

My girlfriend came to my home yesterday, always a good time to be away from the children once in a while. They are getting to be aspiring adults and are asking for trust and the opportunity to prove that they can handle themselves while she is away. Joyce is more than a little nervous about the whole idea, but some experimentation seems to be in order, weaning the parent away from the kids, so to speak.

Dennis had a tutoring appointment in a town that is a two hour trainride away. He's being tutored in mathematics by a friend of ours who happens to be amazing with the subject. She combines math and music, something I would have never thought possible. So in the morning Joyce made sure Dennis had his trainticket and passport, knew where to go and how to get there. She expressed concern about his ability to make the trip and to change trains in the right place. I thought she was daft, the child is 16 for crying out loud. I was soon proved wrong by a phonecall from his tutor: "At what time could she expect Dennis?"

High alert, where is Dennis? Seconds later the phone rang again: "Yo, mom, is it normal for the train to take almost three hours to go to Ede?" He had missed his transferpoint and was about an hour beyond where he needed to be... and convinced he was in the right train and not about to get off! It took some convincing on our part to make it clear to him that he'd overshot his goal and to take the train back! He took almost 5 hours to make the 2hour trip. Joyce let go a sigh of relief when he was finally at our friends house.

"And this is the kid that wants to go to Brazil this summer?"
I guess it's good practise (long overdue) to let him do stuff on his own.

"You've got to hold on tightly, let go lightly, it's only surrender, it's all in the game" Lyrics by: John Denver

Send your children forth into the world

My stepchildren are an adventurous lot. They have an urge to travel that reminds me of my own youth. I knew from the time I was about 12 that I was going to live in Colorado at one point and this came to be when I was 19. It was an important experience in my life to have travelled abroad. It gave me a different perspective on the world, or rather, it opened up the possibility for other worldviews, other paradigms about what being human was all about. I truly believe that it's an essential part of a youngsters education to spend at least a year abroad, learn different customs, culture and modes of thinking from the inside out.

The world is my oyster
Joyce's oldest son, Joseph, lives in Ibiza and has chosen to make this his permanent residence. He also travelled to such places as Brazil and Portugal to perform in major fireshows or to create his art for festivals. Travelling extensively is an accepted practise with Joyce's family and Eric is all set to travel the world come August after his exams. Him and his girlfriend are going to Marakesh, Albania and the Fiji Islands, to name just a few of the places they are hoping to visit. They intend to work as farmhands to earn their keep. They've been staring at the worldmap for months, looking for the places they want to go, planning to be at as many festivals as they can manage.

Brazil
Dennis wants to go to Brazil after his midterms, which is where my girlfriend get's a bit antsy. He's 16 and while in principle she is fully committed to having her sons live in the freedom to seek out new experiences, to experiment and take their lives to whereever they want to take it, in actual practise this has meant that Dennis has come very close to death a couple of times allready and she worries about what happens when/if he travels to Brazil. Even with her misgivings she will allow him to go. He's working really hard on his job and his studies to make it happen. He's got it all planned out, he has an friend there, a Brazillian boy who is on an educational exchange and has lived in Holland for most of this year. He'll be visiting him and spend some time travelling Brazil with him. Rainforests, Rio de Janeiro, snakes and spiders, so much for a mother to worry about, in particular since this is the same boy who can't seem to hang on to his keys for more than a month and loses his cellphone often enough for the insurance package to make sense. His chaos drives her bananas! This kid travelling Brazil? A scary thought...

All the birds flying the coop
This summer also, Chris will spend a few weeks at least at his fathers. This means that for the first time since Joseph was born, Joyce is going to be without children. It also means that we get to have a summerholiday together. Her first taste of the famous empty nest syndrom, I'll be curious to see what that does for her, how she copes with all her children having left home for an extended period of time. All in all this summer is going to be an interesting journey for all of us.

Guilt and pity

Gaining acceptance
As much as you would like, don't expect the teens to accept you as a co-parent, step-parent or even accept any kind of authority from you. This may be different if you come into the ready made family when the children are younger, but after they've passed the age of 12, forget it. The best you can hope for is acceptance based on who you are as a person. It's only now, after a full year of being involved in their lives, that I sometimes don't defer a decisions to their mother. Even then it's the kind of choices that have to do with personal boundaries, not so much the household rules.

My choice to openly defer the judgement to my girlfriend and repeatedly saying: "Your mom is boss, what she sais goes" was a message these youngsters needed to hear. During the two years after her marriage when she was working full time they had been allowed to run wild. Chris had become quite the spoiled little brat. She felt guilty for putting the kids through a divorce and she also felt sorry for them for having lost contact with their father. As a result they got away with murder.

Restoring boundaries
Chris's method is to forcibly take over. He is not as verbally gifted as his brothers (or maybe he is still growing in that aspect) so he physically forces her to play at his game. He likes roughhousing and won't take no for an answer. What results is difficult for me to watch: He oversteps her boundaries, time and again, while she fails to enforce them. When she does enforce her boundaries, he get's mad and slams the door, goes upstairs to his room and puts on some loud music. His behavior, according to Joyce is so reminiscent of her ex-husbands that sometimes she finds herself responding not to a little boy acting out, but to her abusive ex.

Dennis's way is more subtle but equally lacking in boundaries. He'll use every manipulative means at his disposal to get his way. He's a quick study and has taken to reading "The game", which is a book on manipulation, and has gotten some classes in Neuro Linguistic Programming which make his skills all the more dangerous. You have to be awake and alert with him, or before you know it, you find yourself agreeing to anything. He'd make a great salesperson, allthough his ambitions are slightly higher than that.

Soul searching
Fortunately Joyce was willing and able to look at her own role in the things that were happening in her household. Often when a child misbehaves, people point to the child and assign blame. While I don't believe in total innocence, even in children, I also believe that children will take your lead, if you provide them with the right guidance. In particular in a changing situation, they need clarity on the rules. To be honest, Joyce wasn't doing a very good job at providing them. In order for her to be the kind of parent they needed she had to find a way to leave her guilt and pity behind and take on full responsibility for what happens to the boys in her care.

In order to take on that responsibility she needed to do away with the survival habits she picked up living with her husband.To re-evaluate the rules that they had, both implicit and explicit. Some of the more destructive implicit rules were: "You don't ask for help from anyone", "We don't talk about our stuff outside the family" and "Mom is wrong all the time".

Joyces response to the hostile environment her husband provided was to go underground. In order for her to survive she had to lie a lot and lying can quickly become a habit. She also tried to protect her children from the brunt of their fathers anger by covering their tracks, another habit that appeared difficult to break. Here she was, two years after the breakup and she was still lying to avoid conflict, making excuses for her children when they failed to show up at school. Only now it was her children that were in the drivers seat. She resolved to give honesty a chance but it proved a process of months to truly give up all the fibbing (as well as have her kids get used to this new policy, they still protest vehemently)

How it started

Falling in love
My partner Joyce left her husband about three years ago. Her marriage was quite disastrous, her husband psychologically, sexually and physically abusive and her self esteem had suffered a lot. She immediately set to work, 40 hours a week, unrelenting, at some hard physical labour, thinking she needed to prove that she can financially take care of herself and the children. Two years later, when I met her, she had her first three day vacation ever, since the divorce. I met her at the beach, walking around with her youngest son who was 11 at the time. The attraction was instant and overpowering.

A family vacation
I was aware from day one that she had four sons and took care of them all by her lonesome. I had met the youngest when I met Joyce on the beach and we took long walks the three of us. Chris is a feisty kid who enjoyed howling into the wind at the beach and we made a raft together which we anchored at the beach because it was oktober and swimming wasn't an option. There was a storm brewing and we all went out to watch the waves. We sang and shouted into the wind and had a great time. All the outdoor activity, running around the beach, drinking hot cocoa together at a beachbar, I couldn't have asked for a better introduction into this new phenomenon called family life. I told Joyce I loved her and that this included her family as that was part of who she was. She is a beautiful, caring mother for whom the children always come first. Which, to my mind, is how it should be.

Child rearing philosophy
And I was charmed. Not just by Joyce, but the idea of family had a great appeal for me. My own father died when I was 14 and I was the youngest of six. By the time I was a teenager my older siblings had left the family home and I was pretty much a troubled teen from that point on. I have worked with troubled teenagers for a number of years and I always enjoy people in that phase of their life, when they are deciding who they want to be in the world. My idea of raising kids is that you provide them with maximum freedom to explore and opportunity to discover what it is exactly that makes them tick. On this Joyce and I see eye to eye. I think if we had differed in our child rearing philosophy, we would have had trouble making our relationship work. As it is, we agree on principle, on the method we have our differences. Since they are her kids, I decided that she is boss. On any childrearing matter, she has the final say so. That doesn't mean I don't get to put in my two cents worth though.

Living apart together
From the get go it was clear that I wasn't going to live with Joyce and the children. I'm very much attached to my own appartment (my own place after a failed marriage in which I slowly seemed to disappear, it's become the symbol of who I want to be in the world) and her household is chaotic and wild, not the kind of place where I thrive. Her teenagers bring a lot of life into the house, usually of the human variety. There's always a lot going on at her place and it's a great place to be when I'm there but I'm also equally thankful when I can escape it and return to my quiet little apartment overlooking the green valley that I live in. I have all the amenities here, a sauna, a massage chair, a sunbed... It's almost like a private little resort. Joyce sometimes comes to my place, just to enjoy a day or two away from the kids. Good practise for when they leave home I suppose.

Getting to know Dennis and vice versa
When I met Dennis I was truly tested in a way that only a teenager can do. A third degree with mostly questions on who I was and how I was going to profile myself in the family. I told him I had no intention of becoming his parent. (I believe that the last thing a teenager needs is another parent). He quickly found out that I like teenagers and like to spar with them verbally. He's bright and intelligent, quick with the wit and an accomplished debater. He's also a rat. I quickly found out his most charming trait: he can admit when he's been bested. He also quickly found out that ratty moves like subtle changes of subject when he can't win won't wash with me. I earned his respect quite early in the relationship. He's fiercely loyal to his mom, I would be welcome in his house as long as he perceived me as someone who made his mom happy. He even appreciates when I help his mom stand up to him and not be taken in by his wily ways, and sais so. (sais he doesn't like it because he's not getting what he wants but appreciates my efforts all the same)

Dennis was on Chris's case all the time about the way Chris treats his mom. In doing so he profiled himself as Chris's parent, rather than brother. Aside from the fact that he did so in a rather harsh manner, it actually undercut the parental influence that Joyce was trying to establish between her and Chris. As a result Chris pretty much ran wild, dominating the household with his angry stance and not to mention his ADHD related symptoms of being extremely active. When Dennis would scold him (no hitting allowed: but mom, please can I hit him? I want to hit him so hard his brain will leak out of his ear) Joyce would step in and tell Dennis to back off. Behind her back Chris would bait Dennis by breaking into a superior smile.

The position of the step parent, in particular the kind that doesn't take on the full role of parent, is a rather unique one. Watching all this from the sidelines I was able to sit with them all and with Chris behind me all ears I explained to Dennis that he was undermining his mom's authority by the way he voiced his concerns. That his place in the family was not to be the father, but rather to be the good example. To show Chris, rather than tell him, that it's a good idea to listen to your mom, by listening to her. To support his mom's rules even when he doesn't agree with them, just because it's a sign of respect to do so. I told Dennis (with Chris all ears behind me) that Chris's behavior DID fall short of the mark and that he needed to be corrected, but that it was not his place to do so. That his mom was the head of the household and what she said goes.

Dennis is an intelligent 16 year old (15 at that time) and when it dawned on him that he was making the problem with Chris worse by his own behavior he dropped it. That took a bit of practise of course, cause sometimes Chris's behavior would be very annoying and Dennis's reaction would be almost instant, but when Joyce told him: "Back off, let me handle it" now he would listen without the threat of violence to Chris.

Late night talks
Joyce and me talk about the children when we go to bed at night. We discuss their progress and I check with her if she appreciates my role and the way I play it. Most the time she does, sometimes she feels I'm being too hard on the boys. I'm quite an opinionated woman and sometimes I have pronounced a judgement on something that closes communication rather than open it. I'm learning to present the facts more and speak about what I'm seeing. In naming the truth as I see it, I can provide valuable insights into the family dynamics without actually getting sucked into the dynamics. Things have improved some, between Dennis and Chris. They aren't best friends by anyone's standards but when Chris started highschool Dennis took him aside and gave him a few pointers on how to behave in highschool so as not to be labelled a dork. That's brotherly love for you...

Step parenting 4 (four!!!!) boys

Becoming a step
This is the story of how, at age 44, I suddenly became a step parent to four boys, aged 21 through 13. Like all kids that go through the break up of their parents, they have been through a lot. Their father is one of those deadbeat dad's who'd "sooner die than let her have any money" and forget's that his children suffer because of that. After two years he's not mastered the skill of talking to his ex-wife, not even for the purpose of arranging visits from his children.

Their mother has worked a full time job for the first two years after the divorce, only to find herself shortchanging the kids in terms of attention. She suffered a burn-out and is getting her life back together. She suffers from post traumatic stress concerning some of the things that her husband put her through. In addition she has to contend with four boys, each with their own special care instruction. And now she has me to worry about as well :)

A brief introduction of the boys (proud stepmom that I am)
I give the boys an alias, simply because it might not be their preference to have their life's story, where it touches mine, spread all over the internet.

Joseph
The eldest son is a performer of fireshows in Ibiza. A great profession for the uninsured :/ For the scope of this blog, we'll call him Joseph. Joseph is a lover of nature, in particular hops and weeds. Joseph is a charming guy, very soft-spoken and kind. He's not very good at making money or at spending it wisely which has led to the aforementioned uninsured status, a load of debts including some to his mother. My relationship with him is sketchy, he's far away most of the time, so the only way he touches my life is through his mom. She lays awake at nights worrying about him getting sick or hurt.

Eric
Is 18 and this year he's finishing highschool, the first of the kids to accomplish that. We'll call him Eric. He has a girlfriend that he's had for several years and is set to travel the world. He's clearly the most responsible of the lot, has a few good friends and doesn't cause a lot of stress to his mom. This makes him the exception to the rule. Unfortunately he does seem to rub both his younger brother's the wrong way, a feeling which is entirely mutual. Their fights are mostly verbal but vitriolic.

Dennis
The third son has just recently been diagnosed with ADHD, a condition that is usually discovered much earlier because of academic difficulties, but as he's highly intelligent as well as socially adept it hasn't come out until now. He's 16 now, feels himself king of the world and is dating heavily. We'll call him Dennis, after the cartoon character, mostly because he's equally accident-prone. He's the kind of kid who can charm you into doing his homework for him, which is how he got through his first three years of highschool. I'd say for the most part he's got his mom wrapped around his little finger, which isn't always the best thing for him. Whenever I catch him working his magic to get his way from his mom I call him on it. He'll smile his crooked smile and admit fully to it. Hard to get mad at a kid like that, even though he makes a habit out of crossing the line.

Chris
The youngest, let's call him Chris, also has ADHD, at 13 he's quite a handful. His mom sais her least favorite years are between the ages of 12 and 15. When they become adolescent enough to protest every rule and every sanction and yet are totally lacking in empathy and understanding. On top of this he's got a budding personality disorder that we're hoping to stave off with therapy and counselling, due largely to the conflicting loyalties to both his parents. His basic emotion is anger, he's practised that one to the hilt. His brothers highly resent the way he treats his mother. It can be hard to see it in his behavior but he is really trying to be a good kid. He's just not very succesfull at it most of the time.

How to be a step mom
This is an ongoing series about my involvement in their lives. How to act as a step mom in a rather mixed up set of circumstances. Hard enough that their parents marriage broke up and they have to get used to a rather impoverished lifestyle, now their mom is with a woman as well! The children were all set to hate my guts, on general principle. Tough luck for them is: they like me... Most the time they won't admit it, not even to themselves, but every now and then a little of that starts to show.

This blog contains lessons in patience, humility and love, taught by a force of nature called puberty. It contains my moments of splendor, where something I did added to the quality of life for these four boys, and my moments of frustration, when it seems like nothing is working. It'll be a place to vent, to share stories, worries and insights.

Guest writers:
I cordially invite other step parents to be guest writers on this blog. If you have a story to share about your step children and how not to kill them, please contact me and I'll make you a co-author on this blog.