Graduation day

My second eldest stepson Eric graduated highschool! The first of the family, his older brother having skipped the exams to go live in Ibiza. It is a proud moment in a mom's life when her son finishes highschool with a diploma. Even if you're not into school...

Joyce is strongly opposed to the methods used in highschool. She sais: They teach our young ones to reproduce what has been thought before, instead of learning to think for themselves." She's made a vailiant effort to fill in the gaps, to stimulate them in the pursuit of their own dreams, think their own thoughts, do their own thing. In addition she made sure that the kids knew success in school meant little or nothing to her, but necessary for getting ahead in the world. A diploma is what her children go to school for, an education they pursue in a multitude of other ways.

However, the day your son graduates is not the right kind of day for speaking about the relativity of the diploma and the pursuit of an education. It's a day to celebrate his achievement. So we had a party for him, we watched him receive the result of his many years of highschool education. A list with mostly A's and B's, one single C and a diploma that allows him to pursue his chosen career: Musician.

Before enrolling into Rock and Roll College though, he's going on a well earned trip around the world. Take some time off and move out on his own. He's certainly earned the reprieve. Right now he's in the backyard, ritually burning everything having to do with school, while shouting: "Free at last, free at last, thank God allmighty, free at last!"

Proud moments in a (step)parent's life

Absense makes the heart grow fonder
Being able to get away, go to my own little apartment, when I need some peace and quiet is a vital ingredient of my love for my stepchildren. However, there are times when I'm over in my own apartment that I wish I could be there, if only for a few minutes.

Yesterday Eric graduated highschool. He's an intelligent young man who didn't have to work all that hard to make the grade. At the time of the divorce though, Eric chose to live with his father. Part pity, part keen self interest, he figured he could remain in both parent's good graces by living with his father. He was not mistaken in assuming that if he moved with his mom he wouldn't see hide nor hair of his father for a long time. In retrospect I think he would have prefered it that way... we all make mistakes.

His father expects his teenage son to be home by eleven, even on the weekends, do most of the housework and well, be as obedient as a 10 year old. The attraction of living there did not lie in the times when his father was at home. The real reason living there was fun lay in the frequent trips abroad his father did. At fifteen he took a holiday from school every time his father left town. His house was party central in those days, his father none the wiser and his mom not in the know. His father had left explicit instructions that in no way should his mom find out that he was home alone. The only time he ever let her know was when he had a concussion and didn't know what to do about it. As a result he missed most of his third and fourth year of highschool and come the time to be promoted to the senior year he failed miserably. His mentor from school had been given explicit instructions that all contact about his grades be with his mother, not his father, but somehow this was overlooked and his father was informed.

With bruises on his soul he came to his mom's house that night fuming about the way his father had ripped him apart. It's hard to see a seventeen year old struggle to contain his tears, his fury and his utter despair. Eric tried to live at his father's house for three more months after that, but in reality he was allready living at his mom's, making sketchy appearances at his father's in hopes that his father would make good on his promise to pay for his drivers licence.

Proud moments
And today, thanks to a loving mother for support and guidance and superb effort on his part, essentially doing two years of highschool at once, Eric got his highschool diploma. This is one of those times when I wish I was there to celebrate it with them. He's got great plans to travel the world, become a food vendor at all kinds of festivals. He's a young man at the threshold of all life has to offer. I'm such a proud stepmommy.

When are you going to get divorced?

As a step mom I have a difficult time with Chris. We seem to rub each other the wrong way, more often than not. I like to have my own space, a tidy little niche where I have my stuff whenever I am here. I live here part-time and I'm finding out that I am pretty set in my ways. This doesn't always go over very well with Chris.

He goes out of his way to make me feel unwelcome sometimes, which I can understand from the mixed up mess of loyalties that children of divorce feel when confronted with their mom's new partner. But that's the theory: In practice it get's a old pretty fast.

Yesterday Chris asked Joyce and me: "When are you going to get divorced?" We're not married but the message was clear. Our answer was very telling as well: "When we get sick and tired of being together". As far as I can see that's not likely to happen, allthough I do keep that option open because I've made and broken the promise of "forever" once allready, I'm not one for making the same mistake over and over. Chris is a bright kid who can read between the lines and between the lines it read loud and clear that Joyce left her exhusband because she got sick and tired of being with him.

Today we had a run in with each other. He had eaten my bag of potato chips and I told him he'd owe me a new one. I neglected to put this in a nice tone of voice, say please and thank you. I guess I'd call my tone "accusatory". I'm not always patient, so sue me. Anyway, he got pissed off at me for my tone of voice and rightfully so. But that's not what he said, instead he told one of his friends that I don't live here. He got in under my radar with that one. That hurt.

I guess I should be adult about it and apologize for my tone of voice and reiterate that he owes me a bag of chips. Or maybe just apologize. I'm glad he's gone to play soccer with his friends, I'm not ready to apologize. I'm just a little to ticked off for that.

Father's day

Father's day is coming up, my first one as a stepmom. I lost my father early, he died when I was fourteen. I never had much of a relationship with him, he was big and strong and largely absent from the home. He used to hit my teenage sisters and brothers to the extend that it scared the bejeebees out of me, causing me to be a very well behaved child. I always thought other families had it better when I was a kid. I guess there might be some families where the father is a real DAD, you know, involved with the children, available to them, loving, kind... all that good stuff.

Deadbeat dad
Of the four boys only Chris still frequently visit's his father. The others have each for their own reasons abandoned the guy. Joseph is stoned most of the time on "Party Island Ibiza". I doubt if he even knows it's father's day. Eric hates his father's guts, with some pretty good reasoning behind it. He litterally said: "When I was 12 I concluded that my dad was wrong about most things, in particular the things he said about me. From then on I monitored him closely and I have come to the conclusion that he's a worthless sack of shit." Some of the things I've witnessed in the past year have led me to believe that he may have a point.

One of those times was when Dennis was in the hospital, looking like he was going to die. He'd been beat to a pulp by three adults. Seven witnesses testified in court that, out of nowhere, these three guys jumped out of their car, pulled Dennis off his bike an hit him. He went down after the second fist and they kicked him several times where he lay. He might have died on the spot if it hadn't been for the police who just happened to drive by at that very moment. He was unconcious when they put him in the ambulance and didn't wake up till sometime the next morning to his mom sitting by his side. Joyce had texted his father, who responded by sending his son a text: "I'm with my girlfriend, can't come right now. You're in my thoughts".

At Joyce's house Father's day will pass by largely unnoticed. A father is the most important man in a child's life. Having one that doesn't care, doesn't show love and affection, doesn't pay his child support is painful. Teenage boys are set the task of discovering for themselves what it means to be a man. It makes me feel sad that their example in this isn't very inspiring.