How it started

Falling in love
My partner Joyce left her husband about three years ago. Her marriage was quite disastrous, her husband psychologically, sexually and physically abusive and her self esteem had suffered a lot. She immediately set to work, 40 hours a week, unrelenting, at some hard physical labour, thinking she needed to prove that she can financially take care of herself and the children. Two years later, when I met her, she had her first three day vacation ever, since the divorce. I met her at the beach, walking around with her youngest son who was 11 at the time. The attraction was instant and overpowering.

A family vacation
I was aware from day one that she had four sons and took care of them all by her lonesome. I had met the youngest when I met Joyce on the beach and we took long walks the three of us. Chris is a feisty kid who enjoyed howling into the wind at the beach and we made a raft together which we anchored at the beach because it was oktober and swimming wasn't an option. There was a storm brewing and we all went out to watch the waves. We sang and shouted into the wind and had a great time. All the outdoor activity, running around the beach, drinking hot cocoa together at a beachbar, I couldn't have asked for a better introduction into this new phenomenon called family life. I told Joyce I loved her and that this included her family as that was part of who she was. She is a beautiful, caring mother for whom the children always come first. Which, to my mind, is how it should be.

Child rearing philosophy
And I was charmed. Not just by Joyce, but the idea of family had a great appeal for me. My own father died when I was 14 and I was the youngest of six. By the time I was a teenager my older siblings had left the family home and I was pretty much a troubled teen from that point on. I have worked with troubled teenagers for a number of years and I always enjoy people in that phase of their life, when they are deciding who they want to be in the world. My idea of raising kids is that you provide them with maximum freedom to explore and opportunity to discover what it is exactly that makes them tick. On this Joyce and I see eye to eye. I think if we had differed in our child rearing philosophy, we would have had trouble making our relationship work. As it is, we agree on principle, on the method we have our differences. Since they are her kids, I decided that she is boss. On any childrearing matter, she has the final say so. That doesn't mean I don't get to put in my two cents worth though.

Living apart together
From the get go it was clear that I wasn't going to live with Joyce and the children. I'm very much attached to my own appartment (my own place after a failed marriage in which I slowly seemed to disappear, it's become the symbol of who I want to be in the world) and her household is chaotic and wild, not the kind of place where I thrive. Her teenagers bring a lot of life into the house, usually of the human variety. There's always a lot going on at her place and it's a great place to be when I'm there but I'm also equally thankful when I can escape it and return to my quiet little apartment overlooking the green valley that I live in. I have all the amenities here, a sauna, a massage chair, a sunbed... It's almost like a private little resort. Joyce sometimes comes to my place, just to enjoy a day or two away from the kids. Good practise for when they leave home I suppose.

Getting to know Dennis and vice versa
When I met Dennis I was truly tested in a way that only a teenager can do. A third degree with mostly questions on who I was and how I was going to profile myself in the family. I told him I had no intention of becoming his parent. (I believe that the last thing a teenager needs is another parent). He quickly found out that I like teenagers and like to spar with them verbally. He's bright and intelligent, quick with the wit and an accomplished debater. He's also a rat. I quickly found out his most charming trait: he can admit when he's been bested. He also quickly found out that ratty moves like subtle changes of subject when he can't win won't wash with me. I earned his respect quite early in the relationship. He's fiercely loyal to his mom, I would be welcome in his house as long as he perceived me as someone who made his mom happy. He even appreciates when I help his mom stand up to him and not be taken in by his wily ways, and sais so. (sais he doesn't like it because he's not getting what he wants but appreciates my efforts all the same)

Dennis was on Chris's case all the time about the way Chris treats his mom. In doing so he profiled himself as Chris's parent, rather than brother. Aside from the fact that he did so in a rather harsh manner, it actually undercut the parental influence that Joyce was trying to establish between her and Chris. As a result Chris pretty much ran wild, dominating the household with his angry stance and not to mention his ADHD related symptoms of being extremely active. When Dennis would scold him (no hitting allowed: but mom, please can I hit him? I want to hit him so hard his brain will leak out of his ear) Joyce would step in and tell Dennis to back off. Behind her back Chris would bait Dennis by breaking into a superior smile.

The position of the step parent, in particular the kind that doesn't take on the full role of parent, is a rather unique one. Watching all this from the sidelines I was able to sit with them all and with Chris behind me all ears I explained to Dennis that he was undermining his mom's authority by the way he voiced his concerns. That his place in the family was not to be the father, but rather to be the good example. To show Chris, rather than tell him, that it's a good idea to listen to your mom, by listening to her. To support his mom's rules even when he doesn't agree with them, just because it's a sign of respect to do so. I told Dennis (with Chris all ears behind me) that Chris's behavior DID fall short of the mark and that he needed to be corrected, but that it was not his place to do so. That his mom was the head of the household and what she said goes.

Dennis is an intelligent 16 year old (15 at that time) and when it dawned on him that he was making the problem with Chris worse by his own behavior he dropped it. That took a bit of practise of course, cause sometimes Chris's behavior would be very annoying and Dennis's reaction would be almost instant, but when Joyce told him: "Back off, let me handle it" now he would listen without the threat of violence to Chris.

Late night talks
Joyce and me talk about the children when we go to bed at night. We discuss their progress and I check with her if she appreciates my role and the way I play it. Most the time she does, sometimes she feels I'm being too hard on the boys. I'm quite an opinionated woman and sometimes I have pronounced a judgement on something that closes communication rather than open it. I'm learning to present the facts more and speak about what I'm seeing. In naming the truth as I see it, I can provide valuable insights into the family dynamics without actually getting sucked into the dynamics. Things have improved some, between Dennis and Chris. They aren't best friends by anyone's standards but when Chris started highschool Dennis took him aside and gave him a few pointers on how to behave in highschool so as not to be labelled a dork. That's brotherly love for you...