Summercamp

"Mooooom, where's my swimming trunks"
"Mooooom, can you buy me some new slippers"
"Mooooom, where are my pants"
"Mooooom, do we have sunblock"

Joyce was visiting me yesterday, always a good time to be away from the kids a bit. Not so with summercamp right around the corner. For the umpteenth time Chris was on the phone, nervous as hell, trying to make sure everything was packed for the summercamp. Today he leaves for three whole days of fun in the sun. For the first time ever he seems to be looking forward to it.

Chris was always the little boy the other kids love to hate. He's been bullied for most his life, by both his father and the kids at school and it's left him with low self-esteem. He's covering his fears by a big mouth and trying to bully others around, in particular his mom, but it's not hard to see the little boy struggling underneath that.

Three days of summercamp in a special ed class, I don't envy the teacher. Chris is in a class with about 12 other girls and boys who have special needs. Some have ADHD like himself, but there's autism and behavioral issues as well. For the first time though, Chris seems to fit in.

I hope he has fun at Summercamp, he's sure looking forward to it, even through his nerves. Joyce went home late last night to be there for him, see him off, make sure he's got enough pants :-)

Confrontation

Children confront you with your own stuff. All parents know this and as a new stepparent I'm starting to realize how true this is.

Chris is a lively boy with an ADHD diagnosis and an indomitable will. He's alsot 13 and is practising his clout in the world. One of the ways he does this is by incessant battles of will with his mom. Also his battles are always physical, barring her way to the kitchen, taking any object and keeping it away from her, endlessly and all the time.

Joyce calls it "puppy behavior". She sais: "Every day, sometimes more than once, he has to prove to me that he's stronger than me. It's playing, it's learning his strength, trying his wings." She has endless patience with him that way and sais it's all going to go away when he get's a little older. Then he's going to start protecting his mom, just like his older brothers do. I can't wait!

What's interesting is my reaction to it all. I'm totally impatient and intolerant of this type of behavior. When I want to go to the store I don't want a 13 year old blocking my way (or Joyces). I want to do my thing and not be bothered by his endless puppy behavior. And when I tell him to stop I want him to stop, this instant!
Well, Chris isn't going to change his behavior towards his mom just because I'm around and she tolerates it, even enjoys it.

I'm learning to just go away, leave the room or even the house when they are roughhousing around like that. I always get very emotional, very angry and charged. Afterwards I cry and the penny drops: too much like the way it was in my family. The constant threat of physical violence too much for me to handle. It's not my place to to force Chris to be other than he is, that would be more of the same stuff that was done unto me. I don't want that, not for him nor for me. In those moments it's difficult for me to see a little kid trying out his strength, I see a situation that is potentially explosive and it frightens me. My personal reality from growing up in a violent home.

So I'm confronted with my own childhood... I'm learning what parents seem to know intuitively: Stepchildren are your mirror, they'll show you what's what in your life.

Lesson #1: Letting go

My girlfriend came to my home yesterday, always a good time to be away from the children once in a while. They are getting to be aspiring adults and are asking for trust and the opportunity to prove that they can handle themselves while she is away. Joyce is more than a little nervous about the whole idea, but some experimentation seems to be in order, weaning the parent away from the kids, so to speak.

Dennis had a tutoring appointment in a town that is a two hour trainride away. He's being tutored in mathematics by a friend of ours who happens to be amazing with the subject. She combines math and music, something I would have never thought possible. So in the morning Joyce made sure Dennis had his trainticket and passport, knew where to go and how to get there. She expressed concern about his ability to make the trip and to change trains in the right place. I thought she was daft, the child is 16 for crying out loud. I was soon proved wrong by a phonecall from his tutor: "At what time could she expect Dennis?"

High alert, where is Dennis? Seconds later the phone rang again: "Yo, mom, is it normal for the train to take almost three hours to go to Ede?" He had missed his transferpoint and was about an hour beyond where he needed to be... and convinced he was in the right train and not about to get off! It took some convincing on our part to make it clear to him that he'd overshot his goal and to take the train back! He took almost 5 hours to make the 2hour trip. Joyce let go a sigh of relief when he was finally at our friends house.

"And this is the kid that wants to go to Brazil this summer?"
I guess it's good practise (long overdue) to let him do stuff on his own.

"You've got to hold on tightly, let go lightly, it's only surrender, it's all in the game" Lyrics by: John Denver

How it started

Falling in love
My partner Joyce left her husband about three years ago. Her marriage was quite disastrous, her husband psychologically, sexually and physically abusive and her self esteem had suffered a lot. She immediately set to work, 40 hours a week, unrelenting, at some hard physical labour, thinking she needed to prove that she can financially take care of herself and the children. Two years later, when I met her, she had her first three day vacation ever, since the divorce. I met her at the beach, walking around with her youngest son who was 11 at the time. The attraction was instant and overpowering.

A family vacation
I was aware from day one that she had four sons and took care of them all by her lonesome. I had met the youngest when I met Joyce on the beach and we took long walks the three of us. Chris is a feisty kid who enjoyed howling into the wind at the beach and we made a raft together which we anchored at the beach because it was oktober and swimming wasn't an option. There was a storm brewing and we all went out to watch the waves. We sang and shouted into the wind and had a great time. All the outdoor activity, running around the beach, drinking hot cocoa together at a beachbar, I couldn't have asked for a better introduction into this new phenomenon called family life. I told Joyce I loved her and that this included her family as that was part of who she was. She is a beautiful, caring mother for whom the children always come first. Which, to my mind, is how it should be.

Child rearing philosophy
And I was charmed. Not just by Joyce, but the idea of family had a great appeal for me. My own father died when I was 14 and I was the youngest of six. By the time I was a teenager my older siblings had left the family home and I was pretty much a troubled teen from that point on. I have worked with troubled teenagers for a number of years and I always enjoy people in that phase of their life, when they are deciding who they want to be in the world. My idea of raising kids is that you provide them with maximum freedom to explore and opportunity to discover what it is exactly that makes them tick. On this Joyce and I see eye to eye. I think if we had differed in our child rearing philosophy, we would have had trouble making our relationship work. As it is, we agree on principle, on the method we have our differences. Since they are her kids, I decided that she is boss. On any childrearing matter, she has the final say so. That doesn't mean I don't get to put in my two cents worth though.

Living apart together
From the get go it was clear that I wasn't going to live with Joyce and the children. I'm very much attached to my own appartment (my own place after a failed marriage in which I slowly seemed to disappear, it's become the symbol of who I want to be in the world) and her household is chaotic and wild, not the kind of place where I thrive. Her teenagers bring a lot of life into the house, usually of the human variety. There's always a lot going on at her place and it's a great place to be when I'm there but I'm also equally thankful when I can escape it and return to my quiet little apartment overlooking the green valley that I live in. I have all the amenities here, a sauna, a massage chair, a sunbed... It's almost like a private little resort. Joyce sometimes comes to my place, just to enjoy a day or two away from the kids. Good practise for when they leave home I suppose.

Getting to know Dennis and vice versa
When I met Dennis I was truly tested in a way that only a teenager can do. A third degree with mostly questions on who I was and how I was going to profile myself in the family. I told him I had no intention of becoming his parent. (I believe that the last thing a teenager needs is another parent). He quickly found out that I like teenagers and like to spar with them verbally. He's bright and intelligent, quick with the wit and an accomplished debater. He's also a rat. I quickly found out his most charming trait: he can admit when he's been bested. He also quickly found out that ratty moves like subtle changes of subject when he can't win won't wash with me. I earned his respect quite early in the relationship. He's fiercely loyal to his mom, I would be welcome in his house as long as he perceived me as someone who made his mom happy. He even appreciates when I help his mom stand up to him and not be taken in by his wily ways, and sais so. (sais he doesn't like it because he's not getting what he wants but appreciates my efforts all the same)

Dennis was on Chris's case all the time about the way Chris treats his mom. In doing so he profiled himself as Chris's parent, rather than brother. Aside from the fact that he did so in a rather harsh manner, it actually undercut the parental influence that Joyce was trying to establish between her and Chris. As a result Chris pretty much ran wild, dominating the household with his angry stance and not to mention his ADHD related symptoms of being extremely active. When Dennis would scold him (no hitting allowed: but mom, please can I hit him? I want to hit him so hard his brain will leak out of his ear) Joyce would step in and tell Dennis to back off. Behind her back Chris would bait Dennis by breaking into a superior smile.

The position of the step parent, in particular the kind that doesn't take on the full role of parent, is a rather unique one. Watching all this from the sidelines I was able to sit with them all and with Chris behind me all ears I explained to Dennis that he was undermining his mom's authority by the way he voiced his concerns. That his place in the family was not to be the father, but rather to be the good example. To show Chris, rather than tell him, that it's a good idea to listen to your mom, by listening to her. To support his mom's rules even when he doesn't agree with them, just because it's a sign of respect to do so. I told Dennis (with Chris all ears behind me) that Chris's behavior DID fall short of the mark and that he needed to be corrected, but that it was not his place to do so. That his mom was the head of the household and what she said goes.

Dennis is an intelligent 16 year old (15 at that time) and when it dawned on him that he was making the problem with Chris worse by his own behavior he dropped it. That took a bit of practise of course, cause sometimes Chris's behavior would be very annoying and Dennis's reaction would be almost instant, but when Joyce told him: "Back off, let me handle it" now he would listen without the threat of violence to Chris.

Late night talks
Joyce and me talk about the children when we go to bed at night. We discuss their progress and I check with her if she appreciates my role and the way I play it. Most the time she does, sometimes she feels I'm being too hard on the boys. I'm quite an opinionated woman and sometimes I have pronounced a judgement on something that closes communication rather than open it. I'm learning to present the facts more and speak about what I'm seeing. In naming the truth as I see it, I can provide valuable insights into the family dynamics without actually getting sucked into the dynamics. Things have improved some, between Dennis and Chris. They aren't best friends by anyone's standards but when Chris started highschool Dennis took him aside and gave him a few pointers on how to behave in highschool so as not to be labelled a dork. That's brotherly love for you...

Step parenting 4 (four!!!!) boys

Becoming a step
This is the story of how, at age 44, I suddenly became a step parent to four boys, aged 21 through 13. Like all kids that go through the break up of their parents, they have been through a lot. Their father is one of those deadbeat dad's who'd "sooner die than let her have any money" and forget's that his children suffer because of that. After two years he's not mastered the skill of talking to his ex-wife, not even for the purpose of arranging visits from his children.

Their mother has worked a full time job for the first two years after the divorce, only to find herself shortchanging the kids in terms of attention. She suffered a burn-out and is getting her life back together. She suffers from post traumatic stress concerning some of the things that her husband put her through. In addition she has to contend with four boys, each with their own special care instruction. And now she has me to worry about as well :)

A brief introduction of the boys (proud stepmom that I am)
I give the boys an alias, simply because it might not be their preference to have their life's story, where it touches mine, spread all over the internet.

Joseph
The eldest son is a performer of fireshows in Ibiza. A great profession for the uninsured :/ For the scope of this blog, we'll call him Joseph. Joseph is a lover of nature, in particular hops and weeds. Joseph is a charming guy, very soft-spoken and kind. He's not very good at making money or at spending it wisely which has led to the aforementioned uninsured status, a load of debts including some to his mother. My relationship with him is sketchy, he's far away most of the time, so the only way he touches my life is through his mom. She lays awake at nights worrying about him getting sick or hurt.

Eric
Is 18 and this year he's finishing highschool, the first of the kids to accomplish that. We'll call him Eric. He has a girlfriend that he's had for several years and is set to travel the world. He's clearly the most responsible of the lot, has a few good friends and doesn't cause a lot of stress to his mom. This makes him the exception to the rule. Unfortunately he does seem to rub both his younger brother's the wrong way, a feeling which is entirely mutual. Their fights are mostly verbal but vitriolic.

Dennis
The third son has just recently been diagnosed with ADHD, a condition that is usually discovered much earlier because of academic difficulties, but as he's highly intelligent as well as socially adept it hasn't come out until now. He's 16 now, feels himself king of the world and is dating heavily. We'll call him Dennis, after the cartoon character, mostly because he's equally accident-prone. He's the kind of kid who can charm you into doing his homework for him, which is how he got through his first three years of highschool. I'd say for the most part he's got his mom wrapped around his little finger, which isn't always the best thing for him. Whenever I catch him working his magic to get his way from his mom I call him on it. He'll smile his crooked smile and admit fully to it. Hard to get mad at a kid like that, even though he makes a habit out of crossing the line.

Chris
The youngest, let's call him Chris, also has ADHD, at 13 he's quite a handful. His mom sais her least favorite years are between the ages of 12 and 15. When they become adolescent enough to protest every rule and every sanction and yet are totally lacking in empathy and understanding. On top of this he's got a budding personality disorder that we're hoping to stave off with therapy and counselling, due largely to the conflicting loyalties to both his parents. His basic emotion is anger, he's practised that one to the hilt. His brothers highly resent the way he treats his mother. It can be hard to see it in his behavior but he is really trying to be a good kid. He's just not very succesfull at it most of the time.

How to be a step mom
This is an ongoing series about my involvement in their lives. How to act as a step mom in a rather mixed up set of circumstances. Hard enough that their parents marriage broke up and they have to get used to a rather impoverished lifestyle, now their mom is with a woman as well! The children were all set to hate my guts, on general principle. Tough luck for them is: they like me... Most the time they won't admit it, not even to themselves, but every now and then a little of that starts to show.

This blog contains lessons in patience, humility and love, taught by a force of nature called puberty. It contains my moments of splendor, where something I did added to the quality of life for these four boys, and my moments of frustration, when it seems like nothing is working. It'll be a place to vent, to share stories, worries and insights.

Guest writers:
I cordially invite other step parents to be guest writers on this blog. If you have a story to share about your step children and how not to kill them, please contact me and I'll make you a co-author on this blog.