Lesson #1: Letting go

My girlfriend came to my home yesterday, always a good time to be away from the children once in a while. They are getting to be aspiring adults and are asking for trust and the opportunity to prove that they can handle themselves while she is away. Joyce is more than a little nervous about the whole idea, but some experimentation seems to be in order, weaning the parent away from the kids, so to speak.

Dennis had a tutoring appointment in a town that is a two hour trainride away. He's being tutored in mathematics by a friend of ours who happens to be amazing with the subject. She combines math and music, something I would have never thought possible. So in the morning Joyce made sure Dennis had his trainticket and passport, knew where to go and how to get there. She expressed concern about his ability to make the trip and to change trains in the right place. I thought she was daft, the child is 16 for crying out loud. I was soon proved wrong by a phonecall from his tutor: "At what time could she expect Dennis?"

High alert, where is Dennis? Seconds later the phone rang again: "Yo, mom, is it normal for the train to take almost three hours to go to Ede?" He had missed his transferpoint and was about an hour beyond where he needed to be... and convinced he was in the right train and not about to get off! It took some convincing on our part to make it clear to him that he'd overshot his goal and to take the train back! He took almost 5 hours to make the 2hour trip. Joyce let go a sigh of relief when he was finally at our friends house.

"And this is the kid that wants to go to Brazil this summer?"
I guess it's good practise (long overdue) to let him do stuff on his own.

"You've got to hold on tightly, let go lightly, it's only surrender, it's all in the game" Lyrics by: John Denver

Step parenting 4 (four!!!!) boys

Becoming a step
This is the story of how, at age 44, I suddenly became a step parent to four boys, aged 21 through 13. Like all kids that go through the break up of their parents, they have been through a lot. Their father is one of those deadbeat dad's who'd "sooner die than let her have any money" and forget's that his children suffer because of that. After two years he's not mastered the skill of talking to his ex-wife, not even for the purpose of arranging visits from his children.

Their mother has worked a full time job for the first two years after the divorce, only to find herself shortchanging the kids in terms of attention. She suffered a burn-out and is getting her life back together. She suffers from post traumatic stress concerning some of the things that her husband put her through. In addition she has to contend with four boys, each with their own special care instruction. And now she has me to worry about as well :)

A brief introduction of the boys (proud stepmom that I am)
I give the boys an alias, simply because it might not be their preference to have their life's story, where it touches mine, spread all over the internet.

Joseph
The eldest son is a performer of fireshows in Ibiza. A great profession for the uninsured :/ For the scope of this blog, we'll call him Joseph. Joseph is a lover of nature, in particular hops and weeds. Joseph is a charming guy, very soft-spoken and kind. He's not very good at making money or at spending it wisely which has led to the aforementioned uninsured status, a load of debts including some to his mother. My relationship with him is sketchy, he's far away most of the time, so the only way he touches my life is through his mom. She lays awake at nights worrying about him getting sick or hurt.

Eric
Is 18 and this year he's finishing highschool, the first of the kids to accomplish that. We'll call him Eric. He has a girlfriend that he's had for several years and is set to travel the world. He's clearly the most responsible of the lot, has a few good friends and doesn't cause a lot of stress to his mom. This makes him the exception to the rule. Unfortunately he does seem to rub both his younger brother's the wrong way, a feeling which is entirely mutual. Their fights are mostly verbal but vitriolic.

Dennis
The third son has just recently been diagnosed with ADHD, a condition that is usually discovered much earlier because of academic difficulties, but as he's highly intelligent as well as socially adept it hasn't come out until now. He's 16 now, feels himself king of the world and is dating heavily. We'll call him Dennis, after the cartoon character, mostly because he's equally accident-prone. He's the kind of kid who can charm you into doing his homework for him, which is how he got through his first three years of highschool. I'd say for the most part he's got his mom wrapped around his little finger, which isn't always the best thing for him. Whenever I catch him working his magic to get his way from his mom I call him on it. He'll smile his crooked smile and admit fully to it. Hard to get mad at a kid like that, even though he makes a habit out of crossing the line.

Chris
The youngest, let's call him Chris, also has ADHD, at 13 he's quite a handful. His mom sais her least favorite years are between the ages of 12 and 15. When they become adolescent enough to protest every rule and every sanction and yet are totally lacking in empathy and understanding. On top of this he's got a budding personality disorder that we're hoping to stave off with therapy and counselling, due largely to the conflicting loyalties to both his parents. His basic emotion is anger, he's practised that one to the hilt. His brothers highly resent the way he treats his mother. It can be hard to see it in his behavior but he is really trying to be a good kid. He's just not very succesfull at it most of the time.

How to be a step mom
This is an ongoing series about my involvement in their lives. How to act as a step mom in a rather mixed up set of circumstances. Hard enough that their parents marriage broke up and they have to get used to a rather impoverished lifestyle, now their mom is with a woman as well! The children were all set to hate my guts, on general principle. Tough luck for them is: they like me... Most the time they won't admit it, not even to themselves, but every now and then a little of that starts to show.

This blog contains lessons in patience, humility and love, taught by a force of nature called puberty. It contains my moments of splendor, where something I did added to the quality of life for these four boys, and my moments of frustration, when it seems like nothing is working. It'll be a place to vent, to share stories, worries and insights.

Guest writers:
I cordially invite other step parents to be guest writers on this blog. If you have a story to share about your step children and how not to kill them, please contact me and I'll make you a co-author on this blog.