Taking a back seat

This tuesday Dennis is flying to Brazil on is well earned and long awaited first trip abroad by himself. He's worked so hard to earn the money and he has researched the place for the best places to party with his friend. He's still only 16 and it's a testiment to his maturity and level of responsibility, as well as a measure of the boundless trust Joyce has in her children that he's allowed to go at all. Dennis is the kind of kid who can get in trouble anywhere, so perhaps it really doesn't matter where he is when the sh.t hit's the fan?

He's flying on tuesday on Peru and has a nine hour layover there. He told his mom: "No way am I going to spend 9 hours on an airport, I'm going to party in Peru". Unfortunately for him, he needs permission from his mom, on paper, to do that. A permission that wasn't forthcoming, as Joyce had visions of Dennis lost in Peru. Remember, this is the same boy that took over four hours to make a two hour traintrip.

At first the plan was for me and Joyce to see him off. Make a nice day out of it, go to Amsterdam, wander around the most exciting city in Europe. However, Chris asked if he could come along to see his brother off. Just to clue you in on the background of that request: Chris and Dennis were at war with each other the first two years after the divorce. They have sorta pulled together a bit when Eric moved in, but it's been a armed stand off however and Chris volunteering to see his brother off is a step towards a more relaxed sense of comradship that Joyce is trying to instill in the boys. A long and arduous process...

Well, me and Chris don't get along very well so when Chris found out I'd be coming he told his mother: "Never mind, I'm not going". Now, I would love to spend a day in Amsterdam with the woman I love, who wouldn't? But this was a family thing, important for both the boys. I may be their stepparent (allthough they would vehemently oppose the very thought) but they are brothers. They need each other, brothers are special, like a companion that stays with you throughout your life.

I withdrew myself for the day in Amsterdam. Their brotherly love needs all the nourishment it can get and me and Joyce can go to Amsterdam another time. I hope they have a nice time, I'll see Joyce the day after that so she can stress out about whether Dennis has made his connection in Peru, and I get to hold her and tell her that the boy is fine wherever he is and wouldn't call even when he was in the country so what makes her think he's going to remember to call her now? It'll be great fun!

(the picture is painted by Frans Koppelaar)

Graduation day

My second eldest stepson Eric graduated highschool! The first of the family, his older brother having skipped the exams to go live in Ibiza. It is a proud moment in a mom's life when her son finishes highschool with a diploma. Even if you're not into school...

Joyce is strongly opposed to the methods used in highschool. She sais: They teach our young ones to reproduce what has been thought before, instead of learning to think for themselves." She's made a vailiant effort to fill in the gaps, to stimulate them in the pursuit of their own dreams, think their own thoughts, do their own thing. In addition she made sure that the kids knew success in school meant little or nothing to her, but necessary for getting ahead in the world. A diploma is what her children go to school for, an education they pursue in a multitude of other ways.

However, the day your son graduates is not the right kind of day for speaking about the relativity of the diploma and the pursuit of an education. It's a day to celebrate his achievement. So we had a party for him, we watched him receive the result of his many years of highschool education. A list with mostly A's and B's, one single C and a diploma that allows him to pursue his chosen career: Musician.

Before enrolling into Rock and Roll College though, he's going on a well earned trip around the world. Take some time off and move out on his own. He's certainly earned the reprieve. Right now he's in the backyard, ritually burning everything having to do with school, while shouting: "Free at last, free at last, thank God allmighty, free at last!"

Confrontation

Children confront you with your own stuff. All parents know this and as a new stepparent I'm starting to realize how true this is.

Chris is a lively boy with an ADHD diagnosis and an indomitable will. He's alsot 13 and is practising his clout in the world. One of the ways he does this is by incessant battles of will with his mom. Also his battles are always physical, barring her way to the kitchen, taking any object and keeping it away from her, endlessly and all the time.

Joyce calls it "puppy behavior". She sais: "Every day, sometimes more than once, he has to prove to me that he's stronger than me. It's playing, it's learning his strength, trying his wings." She has endless patience with him that way and sais it's all going to go away when he get's a little older. Then he's going to start protecting his mom, just like his older brothers do. I can't wait!

What's interesting is my reaction to it all. I'm totally impatient and intolerant of this type of behavior. When I want to go to the store I don't want a 13 year old blocking my way (or Joyces). I want to do my thing and not be bothered by his endless puppy behavior. And when I tell him to stop I want him to stop, this instant!
Well, Chris isn't going to change his behavior towards his mom just because I'm around and she tolerates it, even enjoys it.

I'm learning to just go away, leave the room or even the house when they are roughhousing around like that. I always get very emotional, very angry and charged. Afterwards I cry and the penny drops: too much like the way it was in my family. The constant threat of physical violence too much for me to handle. It's not my place to to force Chris to be other than he is, that would be more of the same stuff that was done unto me. I don't want that, not for him nor for me. In those moments it's difficult for me to see a little kid trying out his strength, I see a situation that is potentially explosive and it frightens me. My personal reality from growing up in a violent home.

So I'm confronted with my own childhood... I'm learning what parents seem to know intuitively: Stepchildren are your mirror, they'll show you what's what in your life.

When are you going to get divorced?

As a step mom I have a difficult time with Chris. We seem to rub each other the wrong way, more often than not. I like to have my own space, a tidy little niche where I have my stuff whenever I am here. I live here part-time and I'm finding out that I am pretty set in my ways. This doesn't always go over very well with Chris.

He goes out of his way to make me feel unwelcome sometimes, which I can understand from the mixed up mess of loyalties that children of divorce feel when confronted with their mom's new partner. But that's the theory: In practice it get's a old pretty fast.

Yesterday Chris asked Joyce and me: "When are you going to get divorced?" We're not married but the message was clear. Our answer was very telling as well: "When we get sick and tired of being together". As far as I can see that's not likely to happen, allthough I do keep that option open because I've made and broken the promise of "forever" once allready, I'm not one for making the same mistake over and over. Chris is a bright kid who can read between the lines and between the lines it read loud and clear that Joyce left her exhusband because she got sick and tired of being with him.

Today we had a run in with each other. He had eaten my bag of potato chips and I told him he'd owe me a new one. I neglected to put this in a nice tone of voice, say please and thank you. I guess I'd call my tone "accusatory". I'm not always patient, so sue me. Anyway, he got pissed off at me for my tone of voice and rightfully so. But that's not what he said, instead he told one of his friends that I don't live here. He got in under my radar with that one. That hurt.

I guess I should be adult about it and apologize for my tone of voice and reiterate that he owes me a bag of chips. Or maybe just apologize. I'm glad he's gone to play soccer with his friends, I'm not ready to apologize. I'm just a little to ticked off for that.

How it started

Falling in love
My partner Joyce left her husband about three years ago. Her marriage was quite disastrous, her husband psychologically, sexually and physically abusive and her self esteem had suffered a lot. She immediately set to work, 40 hours a week, unrelenting, at some hard physical labour, thinking she needed to prove that she can financially take care of herself and the children. Two years later, when I met her, she had her first three day vacation ever, since the divorce. I met her at the beach, walking around with her youngest son who was 11 at the time. The attraction was instant and overpowering.

A family vacation
I was aware from day one that she had four sons and took care of them all by her lonesome. I had met the youngest when I met Joyce on the beach and we took long walks the three of us. Chris is a feisty kid who enjoyed howling into the wind at the beach and we made a raft together which we anchored at the beach because it was oktober and swimming wasn't an option. There was a storm brewing and we all went out to watch the waves. We sang and shouted into the wind and had a great time. All the outdoor activity, running around the beach, drinking hot cocoa together at a beachbar, I couldn't have asked for a better introduction into this new phenomenon called family life. I told Joyce I loved her and that this included her family as that was part of who she was. She is a beautiful, caring mother for whom the children always come first. Which, to my mind, is how it should be.

Child rearing philosophy
And I was charmed. Not just by Joyce, but the idea of family had a great appeal for me. My own father died when I was 14 and I was the youngest of six. By the time I was a teenager my older siblings had left the family home and I was pretty much a troubled teen from that point on. I have worked with troubled teenagers for a number of years and I always enjoy people in that phase of their life, when they are deciding who they want to be in the world. My idea of raising kids is that you provide them with maximum freedom to explore and opportunity to discover what it is exactly that makes them tick. On this Joyce and I see eye to eye. I think if we had differed in our child rearing philosophy, we would have had trouble making our relationship work. As it is, we agree on principle, on the method we have our differences. Since they are her kids, I decided that she is boss. On any childrearing matter, she has the final say so. That doesn't mean I don't get to put in my two cents worth though.

Living apart together
From the get go it was clear that I wasn't going to live with Joyce and the children. I'm very much attached to my own appartment (my own place after a failed marriage in which I slowly seemed to disappear, it's become the symbol of who I want to be in the world) and her household is chaotic and wild, not the kind of place where I thrive. Her teenagers bring a lot of life into the house, usually of the human variety. There's always a lot going on at her place and it's a great place to be when I'm there but I'm also equally thankful when I can escape it and return to my quiet little apartment overlooking the green valley that I live in. I have all the amenities here, a sauna, a massage chair, a sunbed... It's almost like a private little resort. Joyce sometimes comes to my place, just to enjoy a day or two away from the kids. Good practise for when they leave home I suppose.

Getting to know Dennis and vice versa
When I met Dennis I was truly tested in a way that only a teenager can do. A third degree with mostly questions on who I was and how I was going to profile myself in the family. I told him I had no intention of becoming his parent. (I believe that the last thing a teenager needs is another parent). He quickly found out that I like teenagers and like to spar with them verbally. He's bright and intelligent, quick with the wit and an accomplished debater. He's also a rat. I quickly found out his most charming trait: he can admit when he's been bested. He also quickly found out that ratty moves like subtle changes of subject when he can't win won't wash with me. I earned his respect quite early in the relationship. He's fiercely loyal to his mom, I would be welcome in his house as long as he perceived me as someone who made his mom happy. He even appreciates when I help his mom stand up to him and not be taken in by his wily ways, and sais so. (sais he doesn't like it because he's not getting what he wants but appreciates my efforts all the same)

Dennis was on Chris's case all the time about the way Chris treats his mom. In doing so he profiled himself as Chris's parent, rather than brother. Aside from the fact that he did so in a rather harsh manner, it actually undercut the parental influence that Joyce was trying to establish between her and Chris. As a result Chris pretty much ran wild, dominating the household with his angry stance and not to mention his ADHD related symptoms of being extremely active. When Dennis would scold him (no hitting allowed: but mom, please can I hit him? I want to hit him so hard his brain will leak out of his ear) Joyce would step in and tell Dennis to back off. Behind her back Chris would bait Dennis by breaking into a superior smile.

The position of the step parent, in particular the kind that doesn't take on the full role of parent, is a rather unique one. Watching all this from the sidelines I was able to sit with them all and with Chris behind me all ears I explained to Dennis that he was undermining his mom's authority by the way he voiced his concerns. That his place in the family was not to be the father, but rather to be the good example. To show Chris, rather than tell him, that it's a good idea to listen to your mom, by listening to her. To support his mom's rules even when he doesn't agree with them, just because it's a sign of respect to do so. I told Dennis (with Chris all ears behind me) that Chris's behavior DID fall short of the mark and that he needed to be corrected, but that it was not his place to do so. That his mom was the head of the household and what she said goes.

Dennis is an intelligent 16 year old (15 at that time) and when it dawned on him that he was making the problem with Chris worse by his own behavior he dropped it. That took a bit of practise of course, cause sometimes Chris's behavior would be very annoying and Dennis's reaction would be almost instant, but when Joyce told him: "Back off, let me handle it" now he would listen without the threat of violence to Chris.

Late night talks
Joyce and me talk about the children when we go to bed at night. We discuss their progress and I check with her if she appreciates my role and the way I play it. Most the time she does, sometimes she feels I'm being too hard on the boys. I'm quite an opinionated woman and sometimes I have pronounced a judgement on something that closes communication rather than open it. I'm learning to present the facts more and speak about what I'm seeing. In naming the truth as I see it, I can provide valuable insights into the family dynamics without actually getting sucked into the dynamics. Things have improved some, between Dennis and Chris. They aren't best friends by anyone's standards but when Chris started highschool Dennis took him aside and gave him a few pointers on how to behave in highschool so as not to be labelled a dork. That's brotherly love for you...

Step parenting 4 (four!!!!) boys

Becoming a step
This is the story of how, at age 44, I suddenly became a step parent to four boys, aged 21 through 13. Like all kids that go through the break up of their parents, they have been through a lot. Their father is one of those deadbeat dad's who'd "sooner die than let her have any money" and forget's that his children suffer because of that. After two years he's not mastered the skill of talking to his ex-wife, not even for the purpose of arranging visits from his children.

Their mother has worked a full time job for the first two years after the divorce, only to find herself shortchanging the kids in terms of attention. She suffered a burn-out and is getting her life back together. She suffers from post traumatic stress concerning some of the things that her husband put her through. In addition she has to contend with four boys, each with their own special care instruction. And now she has me to worry about as well :)

A brief introduction of the boys (proud stepmom that I am)
I give the boys an alias, simply because it might not be their preference to have their life's story, where it touches mine, spread all over the internet.

Joseph
The eldest son is a performer of fireshows in Ibiza. A great profession for the uninsured :/ For the scope of this blog, we'll call him Joseph. Joseph is a lover of nature, in particular hops and weeds. Joseph is a charming guy, very soft-spoken and kind. He's not very good at making money or at spending it wisely which has led to the aforementioned uninsured status, a load of debts including some to his mother. My relationship with him is sketchy, he's far away most of the time, so the only way he touches my life is through his mom. She lays awake at nights worrying about him getting sick or hurt.

Eric
Is 18 and this year he's finishing highschool, the first of the kids to accomplish that. We'll call him Eric. He has a girlfriend that he's had for several years and is set to travel the world. He's clearly the most responsible of the lot, has a few good friends and doesn't cause a lot of stress to his mom. This makes him the exception to the rule. Unfortunately he does seem to rub both his younger brother's the wrong way, a feeling which is entirely mutual. Their fights are mostly verbal but vitriolic.

Dennis
The third son has just recently been diagnosed with ADHD, a condition that is usually discovered much earlier because of academic difficulties, but as he's highly intelligent as well as socially adept it hasn't come out until now. He's 16 now, feels himself king of the world and is dating heavily. We'll call him Dennis, after the cartoon character, mostly because he's equally accident-prone. He's the kind of kid who can charm you into doing his homework for him, which is how he got through his first three years of highschool. I'd say for the most part he's got his mom wrapped around his little finger, which isn't always the best thing for him. Whenever I catch him working his magic to get his way from his mom I call him on it. He'll smile his crooked smile and admit fully to it. Hard to get mad at a kid like that, even though he makes a habit out of crossing the line.

Chris
The youngest, let's call him Chris, also has ADHD, at 13 he's quite a handful. His mom sais her least favorite years are between the ages of 12 and 15. When they become adolescent enough to protest every rule and every sanction and yet are totally lacking in empathy and understanding. On top of this he's got a budding personality disorder that we're hoping to stave off with therapy and counselling, due largely to the conflicting loyalties to both his parents. His basic emotion is anger, he's practised that one to the hilt. His brothers highly resent the way he treats his mother. It can be hard to see it in his behavior but he is really trying to be a good kid. He's just not very succesfull at it most of the time.

How to be a step mom
This is an ongoing series about my involvement in their lives. How to act as a step mom in a rather mixed up set of circumstances. Hard enough that their parents marriage broke up and they have to get used to a rather impoverished lifestyle, now their mom is with a woman as well! The children were all set to hate my guts, on general principle. Tough luck for them is: they like me... Most the time they won't admit it, not even to themselves, but every now and then a little of that starts to show.

This blog contains lessons in patience, humility and love, taught by a force of nature called puberty. It contains my moments of splendor, where something I did added to the quality of life for these four boys, and my moments of frustration, when it seems like nothing is working. It'll be a place to vent, to share stories, worries and insights.

Guest writers:
I cordially invite other step parents to be guest writers on this blog. If you have a story to share about your step children and how not to kill them, please contact me and I'll make you a co-author on this blog.