As a step mom I have a difficult time with Chris. We seem to rub each other the wrong way, more often than not. I like to have my own space, a tidy little niche where I have my stuff whenever I am here. I live here part-time and I'm finding out that I am pretty set in my ways. This doesn't always go over very well with Chris.
He goes out of his way to make me feel unwelcome sometimes, which I can understand from the mixed up mess of loyalties that children of divorce feel when confronted with their mom's new partner. But that's the theory: In practice it get's a old pretty fast.
Yesterday Chris asked Joyce and me: "When are you going to get divorced?" We're not married but the message was clear. Our answer was very telling as well: "When we get sick and tired of being together". As far as I can see that's not likely to happen, allthough I do keep that option open because I've made and broken the promise of "forever" once allready, I'm not one for making the same mistake over and over. Chris is a bright kid who can read between the lines and between the lines it read loud and clear that Joyce left her exhusband because she got sick and tired of being with him.
Today we had a run in with each other. He had eaten my bag of potato chips and I told him he'd owe me a new one. I neglected to put this in a nice tone of voice, say please and thank you. I guess I'd call my tone "accusatory". I'm not always patient, so sue me. Anyway, he got pissed off at me for my tone of voice and rightfully so. But that's not what he said, instead he told one of his friends that I don't live here. He got in under my radar with that one. That hurt.
I guess I should be adult about it and apologize for my tone of voice and reiterate that he owes me a bag of chips. Or maybe just apologize. I'm glad he's gone to play soccer with his friends, I'm not ready to apologize. I'm just a little to ticked off for that.
Showing posts with label puberty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label puberty. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Step parenting 4 (four!!!!) boys
Becoming a step
This is the story of how, at age 44, I suddenly became a step parent to four boys, aged 21 through 13. Like all kids that go through the break up of their parents, they have been through a lot. Their father is one of those deadbeat dad's who'd "sooner die than let her have any money" and forget's that his children suffer because of that. After two years he's not mastered the skill of talking to his ex-wife, not even for the purpose of arranging visits from his children.
Their mother has worked a full time job for the first two years after the divorce, only to find herself shortchanging the kids in terms of attention. She suffered a burn-out and is getting her life back together. She suffers from post traumatic stress concerning some of the things that her husband put her through. In addition she has to contend with four boys, each with their own special care instruction. And now she has me to worry about as well :)
A brief introduction of the boys (proud stepmom that I am)
I give the boys an alias, simply because it might not be their preference to have their life's story, where it touches mine, spread all over the internet.
Joseph
The eldest son is a performer of fireshows in Ibiza. A great profession for the uninsured :/ For the scope of this blog, we'll call him Joseph. Joseph is a lover of nature, in particular hops and weeds. Joseph is a charming guy, very soft-spoken and kind. He's not very good at making money or at spending it wisely which has led to the aforementioned uninsured status, a load of debts including some to his mother. My relationship with him is sketchy, he's far away most of the time, so the only way he touches my life is through his mom. She lays awake at nights worrying about him getting sick or hurt.
Eric
Is 18 and this year he's finishing highschool, the first of the kids to accomplish that. We'll call him Eric. He has a girlfriend that he's had for several years and is set to travel the world. He's clearly the most responsible of the lot, has a few good friends and doesn't cause a lot of stress to his mom. This makes him the exception to the rule. Unfortunately he does seem to rub both his younger brother's the wrong way, a feeling which is entirely mutual. Their fights are mostly verbal but vitriolic.
Dennis
The third son has just recently been diagnosed with ADHD, a condition that is usually discovered much earlier because of academic difficulties, but as he's highly intelligent as well as socially adept it hasn't come out until now. He's 16 now, feels himself king of the world and is dating heavily. We'll call him Dennis, after the cartoon character, mostly because he's equally accident-prone. He's the kind of kid who can charm you into doing his homework for him, which is how he got through his first three years of highschool. I'd say for the most part he's got his mom wrapped around his little finger, which isn't always the best thing for him. Whenever I catch him working his magic to get his way from his mom I call him on it. He'll smile his crooked smile and admit fully to it. Hard to get mad at a kid like that, even though he makes a habit out of crossing the line.
Chris
The youngest, let's call him Chris, also has ADHD, at 13 he's quite a handful. His mom sais her least favorite years are between the ages of 12 and 15. When they become adolescent enough to protest every rule and every sanction and yet are totally lacking in empathy and understanding. On top of this he's got a budding personality disorder that we're hoping to stave off with therapy and counselling, due largely to the conflicting loyalties to both his parents. His basic emotion is anger, he's practised that one to the hilt. His brothers highly resent the way he treats his mother. It can be hard to see it in his behavior but he is really trying to be a good kid. He's just not very succesfull at it most of the time.
How to be a step mom
This is an ongoing series about my involvement in their lives. How to act as a step mom in a rather mixed up set of circumstances. Hard enough that their parents marriage broke up and they have to get used to a rather impoverished lifestyle, now their mom is with a woman as well! The children were all set to hate my guts, on general principle. Tough luck for them is: they like me... Most the time they won't admit it, not even to themselves, but every now and then a little of that starts to show.
This blog contains lessons in patience, humility and love, taught by a force of nature called puberty. It contains my moments of splendor, where something I did added to the quality of life for these four boys, and my moments of frustration, when it seems like nothing is working. It'll be a place to vent, to share stories, worries and insights.
Guest writers:
I cordially invite other step parents to be guest writers on this blog. If you have a story to share about your step children and how not to kill them, please contact me and I'll make you a co-author on this blog.
This is the story of how, at age 44, I suddenly became a step parent to four boys, aged 21 through 13. Like all kids that go through the break up of their parents, they have been through a lot. Their father is one of those deadbeat dad's who'd "sooner die than let her have any money" and forget's that his children suffer because of that. After two years he's not mastered the skill of talking to his ex-wife, not even for the purpose of arranging visits from his children.
Their mother has worked a full time job for the first two years after the divorce, only to find herself shortchanging the kids in terms of attention. She suffered a burn-out and is getting her life back together. She suffers from post traumatic stress concerning some of the things that her husband put her through. In addition she has to contend with four boys, each with their own special care instruction. And now she has me to worry about as well :)A brief introduction of the boys (proud stepmom that I am)
I give the boys an alias, simply because it might not be their preference to have their life's story, where it touches mine, spread all over the internet.
JosephThe eldest son is a performer of fireshows in Ibiza. A great profession for the uninsured :/ For the scope of this blog, we'll call him Joseph. Joseph is a lover of nature, in particular hops and weeds. Joseph is a charming guy, very soft-spoken and kind. He's not very good at making money or at spending it wisely which has led to the aforementioned uninsured status, a load of debts including some to his mother. My relationship with him is sketchy, he's far away most of the time, so the only way he touches my life is through his mom. She lays awake at nights worrying about him getting sick or hurt.
Eric
Is 18 and this year he's finishing highschool, the first of the kids to accomplish that. We'll call him Eric. He has a girlfriend that he's had for several years and is set to travel the world. He's clearly the most responsible of the lot, has a few good friends and doesn't cause a lot of stress to his mom. This makes him the exception to the rule. Unfortunately he does seem to rub both his younger brother's the wrong way, a feeling which is entirely mutual. Their fights are mostly verbal but vitriolic.
DennisThe third son has just recently been diagnosed with ADHD, a condition that is usually discovered much earlier because of academic difficulties, but as he's highly intelligent as well as socially adept it hasn't come out until now. He's 16 now, feels himself king of the world and is dating heavily. We'll call him Dennis, after the cartoon character, mostly because he's equally accident-prone. He's the kind of kid who can charm you into doing his homework for him, which is how he got through his first three years of highschool. I'd say for the most part he's got his mom wrapped around his little finger, which isn't always the best thing for him. Whenever I catch him working his magic to get his way from his mom I call him on it. He'll smile his crooked smile and admit fully to it. Hard to get mad at a kid like that, even though he makes a habit out of crossing the line.
Chris
The youngest, let's call him Chris, also has ADHD, at 13 he's quite a handful. His mom sais her least favorite years are between the ages of 12 and 15. When they become adolescent enough to protest every rule and every sanction and yet are totally lacking in empathy and understanding. On top of this he's got a budding personality disorder that we're hoping to stave off with therapy and counselling, due largely to the conflicting loyalties to both his parents. His basic emotion is anger, he's practised that one to the hilt. His brothers highly resent the way he treats his mother. It can be hard to see it in his behavior but he is really trying to be a good kid. He's just not very succesfull at it most of the time.How to be a step mom
This is an ongoing series about my involvement in their lives. How to act as a step mom in a rather mixed up set of circumstances. Hard enough that their parents marriage broke up and they have to get used to a rather impoverished lifestyle, now their mom is with a woman as well! The children were all set to hate my guts, on general principle. Tough luck for them is: they like me... Most the time they won't admit it, not even to themselves, but every now and then a little of that starts to show.
This blog contains lessons in patience, humility and love, taught by a force of nature called puberty. It contains my moments of splendor, where something I did added to the quality of life for these four boys, and my moments of frustration, when it seems like nothing is working. It'll be a place to vent, to share stories, worries and insights.
Guest writers:
I cordially invite other step parents to be guest writers on this blog. If you have a story to share about your step children and how not to kill them, please contact me and I'll make you a co-author on this blog.
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