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A recent study at Cornell University in New York shows that if the parents argue all the time, the children suffer. If the parents are staying together for the sake of the children, it would generally be better if they divorced. Kelly Musick studied 2000 families to determine the influence of fighting parents on the children. The results were shocking: staying together for the children is worse for them than divorcing, provided the post divorce situation is stable.
Children from high-conflict families are more likely to develop psychological problems, use drugs and have behavioral problems. Their schoolwork suffers and they are more likely to develop a drinking problem.
The problem persist well into adulthood when the adult children of fighting parents can develop selfdestructive tendencies and have a difficult time forming relationships. Musick: "I suspect that children who come from such unhappy families have never felt the warmth and security they so desperately need".
A similar study recenly done in the Netherlands shows that only 1 in 6 children of divorced families get into trouble. It showed that if the parents fight a lot, or run into financial difficulty as a result of the divorce, this is very detrimental to the childs development. It appears that it's not the divorce is the cause of their problems, but the hostile atmosphere between their parents.
A quick look around the internet shows that "the effects of divorce on children" are very well documented. There are many sites available to help the children who's parents are divorcing. It now seems though that coping with parents who stay together for the sake of the child might be a more daunting task for the youngsters involved.
I believe it's time to look at divorce rationally, instead of through the panicky eyes of failure and disaster. Roughly 40 out of a hundred marriages end in divorce, divorce is a reality and a common one at that. About 16 percent of all children of divorce experience difficulty dealing with divorce, often because of their parents inability to accept and settle into a new routine. Instead they continue the bickering long after the partnership has ended. Remember the Cornell results: Parents arguing all the time is more detrimental to the childs welfare than divorce.
How many of the 60% of marriages that last are in fact a child's hell? Staying together for the children has been demasked as the fallacy it is. If you're in a situation like that, argueing all the time, domestic violence (22% incidence) or downright abusive (10% incidence) don't let the children be the reason to stay put. For the sake of the children, divorce!
sources: cornell university study
Absense makes the heart grow fonder
Being able to get away, go to my own little apartment, when I need some peace and quiet is a vital ingredient of my love for my stepchildren. However, there are times when I'm over in my own apartment that I wish I could be there, if only for a few minutes.
Yesterday Eric graduated highschool. He's an intelligent young man who didn't have to work all that hard to make the grade. At the time of the divorce though, Eric chose to live with his father. Part pity, part keen self interest, he figured he could remain in both parent's good graces by living with his father. He was not mistaken in assuming that if he moved with his mom he wouldn't see hide nor hair of his father for a long time. In retrospect I think he would have prefered it that way... we all make mistakes.
His father expects his teenage son to be home by eleven, even on the weekends, do most of the housework and well, be as obedient as a 10 year old. The attraction of living there did not lie in the times when his father was at home. The real reason living there was fun lay in the frequent trips abroad his father did. At fifteen he took a holiday from school every time his father left town. His house was party central in those days, his father none the wiser and his mom not in the know. His father had left explicit instructions that in no way should his mom find out that he was home alone. The only time he ever let her know was when he had a concussion and didn't know what to do about it. As a result he missed most of his third and fourth year of highschool and come the time to be promoted to the senior year he failed miserably. His mentor from school had been given explicit instructions that all contact about his grades be with his mother, not his father, but somehow this was overlooked and his father was informed.
With bruises on his soul he came to his mom's house that night fuming about the way his father had ripped him apart. It's hard to see a seventeen year old struggle to contain his tears, his fury and his utter despair. Eric tried to live at his father's house for three more months after that, but in reality he was allready living at his mom's, making sketchy appearances at his father's in hopes that his father would make good on his promise to pay for his drivers licence.
Proud moments
And today, thanks to a loving mother for support and guidance and superb effort on his part, essentially doing two years of highschool at once, Eric got his highschool diploma. This is one of those times when I wish I was there to celebrate it with them. He's got great plans to travel the world, become a food vendor at all kinds of festivals. He's a young man at the threshold of all life has to offer. I'm such a proud stepmommy.
As a step mom I have a difficult time with Chris. We seem to rub each other the wrong way, more often than not. I like to have my own space, a tidy little niche where I have my stuff whenever I am here. I live here part-time and I'm finding out that I am pretty set in my ways. This doesn't always go over very well with Chris.
He goes out of his way to make me feel unwelcome sometimes, which I can understand from the mixed up mess of loyalties that children of divorce feel when confronted with their mom's new partner. But that's the theory: In practice it get's a old pretty fast.
Yesterday Chris asked Joyce and me: "When are you going to get divorced?" We're not married but the message was clear. Our answer was very telling as well: "When we get sick and tired of being together". As far as I can see that's not likely to happen, allthough I do keep that option open because I've made and broken the promise of "forever" once allready, I'm not one for making the same mistake over and over. Chris is a bright kid who can read between the lines and between the lines it read loud and clear that Joyce left her exhusband because she got sick and tired of being with him.
Today we had a run in with each other. He had eaten my bag of potato chips and I told him he'd owe me a new one. I neglected to put this in a nice tone of voice, say please and thank you. I guess I'd call my tone "accusatory". I'm not always patient, so sue me. Anyway, he got pissed off at me for my tone of voice and rightfully so. But that's not what he said, instead he told one of his friends that I don't live here. He got in under my radar with that one. That hurt.
I guess I should be adult about it and apologize for my tone of voice and reiterate that he owes me a bag of chips. Or maybe just apologize. I'm glad he's gone to play soccer with his friends, I'm not ready to apologize. I'm just a little to ticked off for that.
Children from high-conflict families are more likely to develop psychological problems, use drugs and have behavioral problems. Their schoolwork suffers and they are more likely to develop a drinking problem. 
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